Whatif… Good Leaders are Kind? (Theme: Unlearning Leadership)

This month’s Whatif… We Read theme is “Unlearning Leadership.”

Which raises the question: what are some assumptions we could afford to “unlearn” if we want to develop and educate more effective and ethical leaders?

In my first management role, I developed strong relationships with my team members. I got to know them outside of work. We liked one another. We were lighthearted at work. We also showed up for each other when life got challenging. We did good work and we had fun doing it.

One day, a senior manager pulled me aside and said he had been asked to speak to me about my management skills. I asked what feedback he had. He said, “You’re too friendly with your staff. If you are nice to them, they won’t respect you and therefore won’t do what you tell them.”

Yowsers.

There are two distinct assumptions embedded in that statement.

The first assumption is that respect cannot be earned through being nice to people. Respect (as defined by the American Psychological Association) is “an attitude or behavior demonstrating esteem, honor, regard, and concern for an individual or entity.” The belief underneath his statement was that respect comes from fear — that if you’re not nice to people, they are more likely to respect you.

But perhaps “Are you too friendly?” isn’t the right question.

You can be friendly with someone and have little trust. And you can have deep trust without being personal friends. True respect grows from trust, from believing the other person will act with integrity and not take advantage of you.

Trust is “the reliance on or confidence in the dependability, integrity, or ability of someone.” Research shows that trust is built on competence, integrity, and benevolence. (Notice that being harsh or commanding is not on that list.)

What he saw as “overly friendly” was actually trust. I didn’t need to be “hard” on my team because we trusted one another. They weren’t going to “disobey” me and I wasn’t trying to control them.

Which leads to the second assumption: that a leader’s role is to get people to comply with their directives.

This may be one of the oldest assumptions about leadership and one that deserves scrutiny. There are certainly moments when someone with authority must call the shots. In true high-stakes, time-sensitive situations, debate is not the priority.

But most workplace situations are not emergencies.

Our brains are not great at distinguishing between a real threat (a bear charging at us) and a social threat (a supervisor upset in a meeting). So we often treat routine pressures as if they are crises.

If the opposite of being nice is being harsh, that can generate fear. And fear leads to compliance —  not commitment.

A leader’s role is not to seek compliance. In most situations, a person in formal authority is there to create the conditions for others to succeed in their roles and to grow as leaders themselves.

Which brings me to a question: Whatif… good leaders are kind?

Kindness is defined as “a benevolent and helpful action intentionally directed toward another person.” Leaders who support their teams and create environments where people feel both technically and socially supported are demonstrating benevolence and help.

When people come to work frustrated, afraid, or anxious, they do worse work. Stress hormones rise. Focus narrows. Innovative problem-solving declines.

But when a leader’s kindness helps move someone from fear to engagement, productivity and effectiveness increase. An added benefit is that the relationship improves too.

So perhaps, in addition to challenging the idea that a leader’s role is to secure compliance, we might also play with this:

Whatif… good leaders are kind?