Whatif…. The Threads of Who You Are Creates the Tapestry of Your Life?

A friend recently shared the idea with me that our identities are like boxes: the different roles and personas we hold are like unique boxes that we carry with us throughout our lives. She raised questions about the implications of this idea, like how we can make sure we don’t leave one box tucked away too long or how we might unpack different identities that we are afraid to look at more closely.

This made me think of George Lakoff and Mark Johnson’s work The Words We Live By, in which they explore the way in which the language we use, especially metaphors, actually shapes the way we think, feel, and act. 

The basic premise is that we can identify the mental model or set of assumptions someone is living from if we listen to the language of how they describe the world around them. Consider how people talk about work "I'm just a cog in the machine". "I'm fried/burnt out/exhausted". "This place is a well-oiled machine". "I’m climbing the corporate ladder". "We're building something here". "We're missing that last piece of the puzzle".

All of those have sort of a mechanistic quality. When we describe our work this way, we seem to be carrying a mental model that organizations are machines, that we work as a piece inside of those machines, and that there are pieces or elements that can be dissected or intertwined.

Let's consider another common set of work related phrases: "We're fighting for our share of the market". "We're going to battle with our competition". "A good leader is on the front lines" "We need to be on the offensive".  These are all metaphors for war or competition. Suggesting that we see business as a "battle" to be won or lost.

The implication is that these (often unspoken) mental models we are carrying around influence how we think and act. If you see business as a machine and you are just a cog — you might feel less valued and feel less inclined to give full effort to your work. If you imagine your work as war, you are going to approach work through the lens of the fixed pie bias — what you lose I gain and vice versa.

I'm not suggesting these metaphors are wrong or right, simply that they have an impact. A goal in coaching is to help someone shift form a metaphor that is disempowering to one that is more empowering. We want to feel like the authors of the books of our own lives (see what I did there with that metaphor!?), and a metaphor that prevents us from “authoring” can leave us feeling stuck or unmotivated.

What is the implication of thinking about our identity as boxes? Well, it might mean our identities are separate entities and maybe we "open" one box or another depending on our situation. (Makes sense to me. We are often taught that we want to match our persona to the environment in which we find ourselves). We might keep one part of our identity "closed" for years if we don't see the right place to unpack it. It might encourage us to hide parts of our identity and “pack them away”.

But it also might encourage us to open up an element of our identity like a present! We can allow ourselves a little curiosity and playfulness to wonder how a new identity might show up for us if we open a new box and look inside. It's safe to say the metaphor itself can have empowering and disempowering elements, depending on how you view it. And yet, I want to explore other metaphors for my identities.

Whatif...we viewed our identities as a tapestry instead? The individual threads of a tapestry could represent the different identities we hold: for me that’s sister, friend, partner, professor, coach, dog mom, etc. You can't separate one thread from the whole because of the interlacing that leads to the threads creating the tapestry. It makes me feel more artistic and creative about the intersections of who I am than analytical of my individual identities. Being a sister influences how I show up as a professor, being a dog “kahu”** influences how I show up as a coach. I can’t separate these, there is some sort of underlying thread (I did it again!) that holds them all together. 

The tapestry metaphor for identities works for for me, and it might not work for everyone. The point is to explore the way we use language to describe our lives and then use that to question what assumptions we are carrying so we can be more intentional in our actions and behaviors so we are living our authentic values. 

**Kahu is a Hawaiin term that is often used to refer to a pastor or minister. However it’s underlying meaning is “honored attendant, guardian” and can refer to the connection one has with a pet. If that doesn’t describe how I feel about my dog Einstein, I don’t know what does!