Whatif… we weren’t worried about convincing others of our worthiness?

Like many great ideas in this world, this blog post is inspired by a recent Taylor Swift quote.

In her podcast debut with the Kelce brothers on New Heights, she was talking about her lack of sportsing (that’s my word) expertise. And she said she’s not bothered by her lack of abilities when it comes to sports because “It’s not part of my metrics for my self-worth”.

This hit me hard for two reasons. 

First, I am not a sportser myself and so I deeply appreciated her vulnerability about her lack of ability in this area. And she wasn’t disrespectful about it. She has an appreciation for sports, it’s just not aligned with her life goals to become a great sportser. 

Second, I tried to hide this about myself for so long. As a kid I felt less than others because I just don’t have any natural sports abilities nor any interest in trying to create them. But as I’ve gotten older, I care less about proving to others that I somehow have talents or interest where I don’t and I care less about convincing others that this lack of interest is somehow valid. And I realize that I too appreciate the abilities in others, but they have nothing to do with my own self-worth.

This concept should extend beyond sports. It’s part of the reason that we talk about values and authenticity. Living in alignment with who we are and want to become really does have long term value for a life well lived.  And if you listen to Swift’s reaction here, she is simply saying, that is not a lens through which I need to view my own worthiness. She doesn’t need to convince others she’s good at sports because that’s not where her growth and passion lie. And to further this, it seems like she writes and creates from a place of her own internal energy - not to prove anything to the world. The only people she writes for are her fans - people who are already on board the TS train. 

So why is it so hard to shake that mindset that we need to prove our worthiness to others? I recognize that my brand of education and coaching is not going to land with everyone the same way. Sometimes people tell me they feel transformed just from absorbing some of the ideas and practices that I share in classes and in coaching. Others seem entirely apathetic. And still others are outright irritated or angry because I am presenting them with ideas that they don’t like or that feel uncomfortable to them.

In theory, I know that my job (as an educator and as a coach) is to get as many people to challenge their own assumptions about what it means to be a leader and to offer them structure on how to grow as a leader. And I really can’t force more than that. Some people are already on the train with me and ready to absorb and learn. If I can get some of those with the apathetic mindset to get curious and poke their heads into the train, then I’ve really succeeded. The people who refuse to even get curious or who get angry…..? Is it really worth my energy to try to inspire them? If they are unwilling to get even a bit curious - I can try to inspire curiosity in others, but I can’t force it. That’s true for any educator. 

And yet, when I come across the students who are apathetic or outright adversary, I find myself defaulting to “I need to prove to you that what we are doing is important and meaningful.” This leads to a LOT of energy expenditure on my part that drains me from focusing on creating new work for the people who are already curious and on the train. And, in the same podcast, TS makes another great statement about thinking of your energy as a luxury item: not everyone can afford it.

So why expend energy on those who can’t afford it when I could give even more to those who are willing to get curious to see if they might learn something. For what it’s worth, my favorite students are those who are curious to ask questions - even hard ones. I don’t expect them to simply “accept” an idea - I want to see them wrestle with it, to question it, to apply it in their own lives and see what the impact is. Maybe that’s like a TS fan listening to an album over and over and looking for symbolism and meaning in her lyrics.

And this leads me to my question - whatif… I wasn’t so concerned about convincing others of my worthiness? How would I behave or feel differently if I stopped feeling like I had to “prove” my worth to others? My self-worth comes from continuously learning, creating, challenging my own assumptions, and inspiring people to live that way themselves. If you’re interested - come join me. It’s a fun place to play. If you’re not - there’s no need for me to expend extra energy to convince you that what I’m doing provides value in some way. It won’t make sense to you if you’re not even just a tiny bit curious about it. Hopefully there is some other place in your life where you’re curious. Maybe, if I focused more on doing what feeds my self-worth, and focused less on trying to prove my self-worth to others, I would write my ideas more freely, engage with others more deeply, and create more broadly in ways that help me (and others!) grow.